The Community Agency for Senior Citizens is a good place to start if you have questions about care
Monday, November 29, 2004

As executive director of the Community Agency for Senior Citizens (CASC), Richard Reetz can relate to the dilemma that adult children face when trying to care for aging parents and loved ones from afar.

While Reetz was living on Staten Island, trying to balance his responsibilities on the job and at home, he was also trying to care for his own older parents back «home» in his native Massachusetts. His sister, his only sibling, lived even further away, in California.

Although his parents have since passed away, Reetz remembers «it wasn’t easy» from 400 miles away to make sure they had the proper services and care.

«I sympathize with any Staten Islander who has to care for a parent or loved one who lives out of state, or even off the Island.

»And I sympathize with those adult children who grew up on Staten Island but moved away to make their own lives, and now have to worry about care for a parent or loved one who still lives here," said Reetz.

More than 5 million of the 34 million Americans caring for older family members live more than an hour away from the relative needing care, according to statistics from the MetLife Mature Market Institute. The institute and the National Alliance for Caregiving released a study in July, «Miles Away: The MetLife Study of Long-Distance Caregiving,» that found long-distance caregivers live an average of 450 miles or 7.2 hours away from the care recipient.

It’s a trend that’s expected to grow, in part because our society is increasingly aging and mobile, with parents and children relocating away from each other for reasons such as a job change or a retirement home.

«The problem is that the so-called ’extended-family’ just doesn’t exist anymore, once you get down to the second and third generations,» said Reetz.

But Reetz, whose agency is the jumping-off point for senior services on the Island, has some tips for those having to care for aging loved ones by long distance.

First, he said, try to identify the exact municipality, county and state of residence of your parent or loved one. «That may sound easy, but once you get out of New York City, you run into villages and towns, townships, cities, counties and regions. It’s a whole new ball game,» Reetz noted.

Once you get this information, however, you can identify the agency or agencies that provide services to seniors in the area and make contact with them. «You can determine what services are available and how services can be coordinated,» he said. The federal Older American Act provides funding to each state for services for the aging, and determines how those funds and services are dispersed.

Adult children trying to provide services to a parent or loved one living on the Island can call the city’s Department for the Aging or contact CASC directly, Reetz said.

The city funds a network of social service, transportation and nutrition programs for seniors. «Although there are gaps in service, and we’ve weathered some budget cuts, as a whole, New York City is very generous with its funding and types of services for the elderly, when compared with other municipalities,» he observed.

What not to do, Reetz said, is feel guilty about not being there to care for a loved one. Neither should an adult child try to impose care on a parent or loved one.

«Sometimes we feel guilty that we can’t be there, and we want to make things easier. But however well-intentioned we might be, we can’t make people do something, such as move in with you or move to a care facility or accept live-in help, against their wishes,» he said.

The best advice, experts say, is to be proactive in making care-giving choices.

Arrangements for care should be made «with mutual respect,» for the adult child and parent, and ideally while a parent or loved one is well enough to participate in the decision-making process, Reetz said. «As difficult as it may be to raise the subject of care, these things should be discussed together,» he said.

Discussion can occur while a child is visiting a parent in his or her home, or while a parent is visiting the home of a grown child. An adult child can express concern, but a parent or loved one should express his or her preferences for care.

«You can say something like ’Mom, you are healthy now, but when and if you couldn’t manage on your own, what do you think you would like to do? And since I can’t be there, what would you want me to do?’ Once it’s out on the table, it gets the discussion going,» Reetz suggested.

To reach CASC, call (718) 981–6226. The agency’s office is located at 56 Bay St. in St. George.

Diane Lore is a feature writer and columnist with the Lifestyle section of the Staten Island Advance. You may e-mail her at lore@siadvance.com.